Before:

There are many traits that factor into a good friendship, including loyalty, respect, trust, compassion, and honesty. Within Konnikova’s essay, the ideas of growth, learning, and friendship are portrayed, and no matter how close the intimacy of friends, growth and learning should be acknowledged in friendship. In order to learn from your mistakes, one has to be honest with themselves and their friends. Learning how to get along with someone and cooperate with someone takes compassion, respect, and trust. When Konnikova states “So what happens if you’re raised from a young age to see virtual interactions as akin to physical ones?” (259), she questions the difference between social interactions and virtual interactions. Today’s younger generations have grown up with cell phones, computers, and other advanced technology, and have not had the face-to-face interactions older generations have. Because of this, thoughts of younger generations and future generations being less social because they have less intimate relationships is being pondered. It is imperative children learn to cooperate and trust one another at a young age, because many traits learned as children cannot be learned as adults.

After:

Many characteristics factor into a strong friendship, including loyalty, respect, trust, compassion, and honesty. Within Konnikova’s essay, the idea of growth, insight, and companionship are referenced, and the idea that growth and development should be acknowledged within a friendship. Honesty is crucial to the development of a friendship, as one has to be honest with themselves before they can be honest with someone else. One simply cannot be honest with a companion if they are not honest with themselves, it creates strain on relationships and can cause difficulties with intimacy in the future. Having healthy relationships with someone takes cooperation, as growth is not inherited, but learned. Being able to get along with someone takes levels of compassion, respect, trust, and compromise. Konnikova created the idea that relationships are learned from environments, not inherited: “So what happens if you’re raised from a young age to see virtual interactions as akin to physical ones?” (259). By her stating this, she introduces the idea that virtual interactions can not compare to those of in person. Here, she continues on to say in person interactions have a sense of intimacy as you can see facial expressions, body language, and touch. Younger generations have grown up with immense amounts of technology around them, leading them to not have the face-to-face social interactions older generations have the experience of. This causes younger generations and future generations to become less social because they do not have the experience of intimate connections. It is imperative for children to learn how to socialize at a young age, because once grown it is harder for humans to learn traits compared to when they were kids. This is supported by Konnikova’s idea that friendship is learned, not inherited. 

Within my revisions, to add specificity, I included more in depth analysis of certain topics to enhance the reader’s understanding of the point I am trying to make. Because of this added detail, my paragraph did increase in length by a few sentences, but it provides clarity to my ideas. I also changed word choice to sound more descriptive and include more detail within my writing. These adjustments did not impact my paragraph length, but did grab the reader’s attention more. I rearranged sentence structure, and moved them around the paragraph so they could hold more clarity and meaning about the essay, along with adding a stronger analysis so the paragraph flowed nicer while still keeping the specificity of the paragraph. By making these changes, I have a better and more coherent paragraph, allowing optimal understanding for my audience.